In my house growing up it was never ok to need anything. You're there to serve not feel. So when I started setting boundaries on what I would tolerate there became a strange molasses under my feet. I couldn't ask for empathy without getting mired in their suffering.
I couldn't Set rules without being accused of breaking proper behavior. I couldn't say I was hurt & needed anything special because the abusers always needed more.
It was a never ending slot machine that only ever payed out 4 the abusers. I would literally be bleeding but I hurt their feelings.
Even when I only wanted to connect & appeal to empathy I was accused of trying to steal credit or attention. There was never an ability for any of the abusers to see the pain they were inflicting or understand the suffering they put themselves through. There was only ever the need.
The need to never give love but only consume it, to never give sympathy but only demand it, to never offer understanding but demand that everyone twist themselves to accommodate the abuser. No matter what was happening, the abuser only ever centered themselves in conversation.
They were never able to acknowledge wrong, admit a fault, or even compromise. No matter what, the abuser was centered.
Not the raped child, not the beaten wife, not the baby in their crib. Just the abuser. So if someone tries to tell you that you could see things differently, and you can't turn your indignation down enough to learn you will never be anything more than a thing that feeds on abuse.
Because you have to turn your focus off of yourself & center others before you can grow.
There's a stubbornness there you have to overcome. Admitting you're Wrong or even ill informed takes a care centered on others.
This kind of care can only come once you have reached self-actualization. And you can't get there through ego.
It has to be through humility & pain. Accept that others may need more than you're giving & then fix that shit.
Kommentare